Too often, psychologists and people in the media conflate a healthy self-esteem with narcissism. Contrary to many people’s perceptions, narcissism and self-esteem have very different developmental pathways and outcomes in life. Those with a high self-esteem believe they are worthy and competent and strive for intimate, meaningful connections with others, but they don’t necessarily view themselves as superior to others.
The development of self-esteem and narcissism are also influenced by different parenting styles. Narcissism tends to develop in tandem with parental overevaluation: parents who raise children who exhibit high levels of narcissism tend to overclaim their child’s knowledge, overestimate their child’s IQ, overpraise their child’s performance, and even tend to give their child a unique name to stand out from the crowd. In contrast, high self-esteem develops in tandem with parental warmth. Parents who raise children who exhibit high levels of self-esteem tend to treat their children with affection and appreciation. They treat their children as though they matter.
Modern researchers have identified two unhealthy attempts at regulating the need for self-esteem: grandiose narcissism and vulnerable narcissism. When most of us think of the prototypical narcissist, we think of the grandiose narcissist: brash, boastful, noisy, and always demanding to be in the spotlight. However, psychologists have also identified a quieter manifestation of narcissism—vulnerable narcissism—characterized by extreme sensitivity to slights and a deep sense of shame over their grandiose desires that leads these individuals to despise the spotlight.
Those who score high in grandiose narcissism tend to be antagonistic toward others for reasons relating to their desire to increase their social status and dominance (instrumental social value). Their entitlement is linked to their belief that they are special and superior and therefore deserving of greater resources and treatment. In contrast, those scoring higher in vulnerable narcissism feel hostility and distrust in reaction to their negative ideas about themselves and others, and their response is often rooted in traumatic childhood experiences. Their particular flavor of entitlement seems to be more linked to a belief that they deserve special attention because of their fragility, not their superior characteristics.
The development of self-esteem and narcissism are also influenced by different parenting styles. Narcissism tends to develop in tandem with parental overevaluation: parents who raise children who exhibit high levels of narcissism tend to overclaim their child’s knowledge, overestimate their child’s IQ, overpraise their child’s performance, and even tend to give their child a unique name to stand out from the crowd. In contrast, high self-esteem develops in tandem with parental warmth. Parents who raise children who exhibit high levels of self-esteem tend to treat their children with affection and appreciation. They treat their children as though they matter.
Modern researchers have identified two unhealthy attempts at regulating the need for self-esteem: grandiose narcissism and vulnerable narcissism. When most of us think of the prototypical narcissist, we think of the grandiose narcissist: brash, boastful, noisy, and always demanding to be in the spotlight. However, psychologists have also identified a quieter manifestation of narcissism—vulnerable narcissism—characterized by extreme sensitivity to slights and a deep sense of shame over their grandiose desires that leads these individuals to despise the spotlight.
Those who score high in grandiose narcissism tend to be antagonistic toward others for reasons relating to their desire to increase their social status and dominance (instrumental social value). Their entitlement is linked to their belief that they are special and superior and therefore deserving of greater resources and treatment. In contrast, those scoring higher in vulnerable narcissism feel hostility and distrust in reaction to their negative ideas about themselves and others, and their response is often rooted in traumatic childhood experiences. Their particular flavor of entitlement seems to be more linked to a belief that they deserve special attention because of their fragility, not their superior characteristics.
- Scott Barry Kaufman, Transcend: The New Science of Self-Actualization, 2020
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