The Need for Attachment Security

The four adult categories of attachment style—secure, fearful, preoccupied, and dismissing—can be represented as a combination of just two dimensions: anxious and avoidant. The anxious-attachment dimension reflects a concern about being rejected and abandoned and is the product of beliefs about whether others will be there for you in times of need. The avoidant-attachment dimension has less to do with a sense of safety and more to do with how you regulate your emotions in response to stress—whether you use others as a secure base or pull away and withdraw from them.
 
Studies show that these two dimensions are only weakly correlated with each other, which creates the possibility that people can score high on both dimensions. A further implication is that “secure attachment” doesn’t exist as a separate category; secure attachment is just the combination of low anxiety and low avoidance. Modern research suggests that there is no such thing as a completely securely attached person; all of us are at least a little bit anxious and avoidant when stress rears its head in our relationships.
 
Nevertheless, your particular placement on the anxious- and avoidant-attachment dimensions has important implications. Those who score lower on these dimensions tend to report more constructive ways of coping and regulating their emotions, thoughts, and behavior, and they report higher levels of relationship satisfaction, psychological adjustment, healthy self-esteem, and even heightened altruism, volunteerism, empathy, and increased tolerance of people who are in a different social group than those who are more insecurely attached. It’s clear that secure attachment doesn’t just set the stage for more satisfying relationships; it also sets the stage for many other aspects of growth.

- Scott Barry Kaufman, Transcend: The New Science of Self-Actualization, 2020

Healthy Self-esteem

All people in our society (with a few pathological exceptions) have a need or desire for a stable, firmly based, (usually) high evaluation of themselves, for self-respect, or self-esteem, and for the esteem of others. —Abraham Maslow, A Theory of Human Motivation (1943)
 
Maslow and other humanistic psychologists, such as Carl Rogers, have been blamed for inspiring the self-esteem movement in the United States, which reached its apotheosis in the 1980s and 1990s, with a focus on feeling good about oneself as the answer to all of life’s problems. But a close reading of the psychological literature suggests that the problem isn’t with self-esteem but the pursuit of self-esteem.
 
So what is a healthy self-esteem? Modern research has identified two distinct faces of healthy self-esteem: self-worth and mastery.
 
Self-worth
 
Maslow sometimes distinguished between the need for self-esteem and the need for esteem from others. However, modern research shows that the evaluation of others is often linked to our self-esteem. Like it or not, we are a social animal, and the judgments we formulate of our self frequently incorporate the judgment of others. Social psychologist Mark Leary’s research has shown that our feelings of self-worth strongly track our social value, or at least our perceptions of our social value. (Sometimes our perceptions are inaccurate.)
 
Leary and his colleagues Katrina Jongman-Sereno and Kate Diebels distinguish two forms of social value we can have in this world: relational social value (the degree to which we regard our relationship with others as personally valuable and important) and instrumental social value (the degree to which others perceive us as possessing resources and/or personal characteristics that are important for the benefit of the collective good). Those with a high sense of self-worth tend to like themselves, and view themselves as having high relational value.
 
Mastery
 
Your entire life history of successes and failures influence the attitude you have toward yourself as an intentional being capable of reaching your goals in life. The more successful you are at making progress toward your goals, the more confident you feel, and the two tend to spiral upward toward a stable sense of mastery. Vice versa, the more your goals are thwarted in life, the more you tend to spiral downward toward insecurity and feelings of incompetence. Since we are such a social species, mastery also tends to be linked to social value, but mastery tends to track instrumental social value more than relational social value. Those with high mastery tend to have traits that confer greater social status in their society due to their usefulness to others—not necessarily the characteristics that are valued in a friend, family member, or social group.
 
While both a healthy sense of self-worth and mastery are strongly related to each other—people tend to develop both forms of self-esteem in tandem—the two can come apart. It’s possible to view yourself as a willful agent in the world, capable of accomplishing your goals, but not really like or respect yourself. And vice versa, it’s possible to like yourself while not feeling very effective in reaching your goals. Tafarodi refers to these situations as “paradoxical self-esteem” and has shown that such variations have implications for how we process and remember social feedback from others.
 
This is why feelings of self-worth are so strongly linked to the need for belonging.
 

- Scott Barry Kaufman, Transcend: The New Science of Self-Actualization, 2020

The Two Faces of Narcissism (3) - Grandiose Narcissism

In fact, we found that grandiose narcissism is related to reports of greater life satisfaction. But we found that this increased life satisfaction is likely to come with a cost—disconnection from one’s own self. We found that those scoring high in grandiose narcissism reported high levels of imposter syndrome, a weak sense of self, self-alienation, a greater likelihood of accepting external influence, and higher levels of experiential avoidance.
 
Both forms of narcissism involve defense of a particular self-image. Vulnerable narcissists mount a vehement defense against being rejected and appearing unworthy of love and belonging. Grandiose narcissists fiercely defend a superior self-image. Both strategies can sometimes be helpful in achieving self-enhancing goals, but both incur the cost of others and a cost to one’s capacity to connect deeply with one’s most valued goals and desires.
 
We found that grandiose narcissism is also related to a black-and-white view of others, seen in the endorsement of statements such as “As far as I’m concerned, people are either good or bad,” as well as an extreme view of themselves, seeing themselves as fearless and bold.
 
One meta-analysis found that those scoring high in grandiose narcissism are more likely to impose harshly perfectionistic demands on others, showing perpetual dissatisfaction with their perceived flaws.
 
Collective Narcissism: Defensive Form of In-group Positivity
 
In recent years, psychologists have been scientifically investigating “collective narcissism,” a defensive form of in-group positivity. People who score high on tests of collective narcissism believe that their in-group deserves special treatment and insist that their in-group gets the recognition it deserves. Just like individual narcissism, collective narcissism stems from the frustration that comes from the need for control and self-esteem and is an attempt to compensate for such insecurity.
 
In contrast, self-esteem has been linked to healthy in-group positivity, which is more likely to foster both in-group and out-group love. This is ultimately an uplifting message: just as it’s possible to have a heathy self-esteem, it’s possible to have healthy in-group love—where it feels good to be a member of your in-group and in which you have great pride for the genuine accomplishments of your group without constantly experiencing hypersensitivity to intergroup threat and hostility.
 
Addicted to Self-esteem
 
At the end of the day, I believe we shouldn’t ignore the seduction of power or pretend that this pull is not a part of our common humanity. But striving for power does not necessarily have to lead to destruction. Almost all humans strive for mastery and to make a difference in the world, but as Adler noted, we also have a striving for social interest. We have both strivings within us. Therefore, the question remains: How can we satisfy our self-esteem needs in the most authentic, healthy, and growth-fostering way?
 

- Scott Barry Kaufman, Transcend: The New Science of Self-Actualization, 2020

The Two Faces of Narcissism (2) - Vulnerable Narcissism

The research on vulnerable narcissism suggests that high levels of uncertainty about one’s worth as a human being often bring along with it hairpin triggers of shame and reactive hostility, avoidance of situations that may activate such triggers, grandiose fantasies of receiving validation and respect from others, a constant need for validation and attention from others (including feeling entitled to the attention of others and constant resentment for not being appreciated), a hiding of one’s felt needs and perceived weaknesses, an excessive need to help others in order to feel good about oneself, and distrust and cynicism about people’s true intentions.
 
While features of vulnerable narcissism may help in managing the overwhelmingly painful feelings of low self-worth and shame generated by rejection and early childhood abuse and can help minimize the chances that the abuse will ever happen again, vulnerable narcissism is linked to a host of beliefs, coping strategies, and attachment styles that ultimately inhibit health, growth, and integration. In our research, we found that vulnerable narcissism was associated with lower levels of life satisfaction, autonomy, authenticity, mastery, personal growth, positive social relationships, purpose, and self-acceptance in life, as well as a lack of trust in one’s thoughts and feelings, and a profound lack of a sense of self.
 
We also found an extremely strong relationship between vulnerable narcissism and reports of imposter syndrome. Those scoring high in vulnerable narcissism scored high on statements such as “I tend to feel like a phony,” and “Sometimes I am afraid I will be discovered for who I really am.” It’s less likely that such individuals actually feel fraudulent and more likely that they engage a “self-presentation strategy” that serves as another way of protecting themselves against the potential pain of rejection. By adjusting the expectations of others, they won’t feel as intensely ashamed if they do fail.
 
We also found that those scoring high in vulnerable narcissism have great difficulty reining in their strong impulses and taking constructive action on their own behalf. The defense mechanisms they tend to employ—harboring infantile and unrealistic fantasies, projecting responsibility onto others, being passive-aggressive in expressing their needs, apologizing for asserting their needs, experiencing somatic symptoms, isolating themselves from those who could offer support, suppressing emotions, reacting with anger when hurt or stressed, and engaging in impulsive behaviors such as eating to feel better and regain control—make sense for a vulnerable child trying to cope with intense pain and fear. But in adulthood, they prevent growth of the whole person.
 
From Vulnerability to Growth
 
Vulnerable narcissism need not be a barrier to growth. Any of us, regardless of our levels of these characteristics, can take charge of our lives and start to build a coherent and stable sense of self. A key way of overcoming severe self-esteem uncertainty is to shed the perfectionistic self-presentation. As one meta-analysis of the literature found, vulnerable narcissism is significantly linked to an obsessive concern over whether one is coming across as imperfect to others, as well as perceiving others as demanding perfection of oneself.
 
Cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT), dialectical behavioral therapy (DBT), and acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT) can be immensely helpful in learning to regulate the intense feelings of rejection and shame we often feel and the irrational, negative thoughts that are floating around constantly in our heads. You really can “retrain your brain.” Steven Hayes, founder of the ACT approach to psychotherapy, has stated that an important outcome of ACT is “the ability to contact the present moment more fully as a conscious human being, and to change or persist in behavior when doing so serves valued ends.
 
Changing your self-limiting narratives about your worthiness, asserting needs in a healthy way, overcoming your avoidance of fearful experiences, and taking responsibility for your behaviors—these actions strengthen and stabilize the vulnerable self. The great irony is that the less you focus on whether you are worthy and competent, and take that as a given, the greater the chances you will consistently accept your inherent worth.
 

- Scott Barry Kaufman, Transcend: The New Science of Self-Actualization, 2020

The Two Faces of Narcissism (1) - Self-esteem vs. Narcissism

Too often, psychologists and people in the media conflate a healthy self-esteem with narcissism. Contrary to many people’s perceptions, narcissism and self-esteem have very different developmental pathways and outcomes in life. Those with a high self-esteem believe they are worthy and competent and strive for intimate, meaningful connections with others, but they don’t necessarily view themselves as superior to others.
 
The development of self-esteem and narcissism are also influenced by different parenting styles. Narcissism tends to develop in tandem with parental overevaluation: parents who raise children who exhibit high levels of narcissism tend to overclaim their child’s knowledge, overestimate their child’s IQ, overpraise their child’s performance, and even tend to give their child a unique name to stand out from the crowd. In contrast, high self-esteem develops in tandem with parental warmth. Parents who raise children who exhibit high levels of self-esteem tend to treat their children with affection and appreciation. They treat their children as though they matter.
 
Modern researchers have identified two unhealthy attempts at regulating the need for self-esteem: grandiose narcissism and vulnerable narcissism. When most of us think of the prototypical narcissist, we think of the grandiose narcissist: brash, boastful, noisy, and always demanding to be in the spotlight. However, psychologists have also identified a quieter manifestation of narcissism—vulnerable narcissism—characterized by extreme sensitivity to slights and a deep sense of shame over their grandiose desires that leads these individuals to despise the spotlight.
 
Those who score high in grandiose narcissism tend to be antagonistic toward others for reasons relating to their desire to increase their social status and dominance (instrumental social value). Their entitlement is linked to their belief that they are special and superior and therefore deserving of greater resources and treatment. In contrast, those scoring higher in vulnerable narcissism feel hostility and distrust in reaction to their negative ideas about themselves and others, and their response is often rooted in traumatic childhood experiences. Their particular flavor of entitlement seems to be more linked to a belief that they deserve special attention because of their fragility, not their superior characteristics.
 

- Scott Barry Kaufman, Transcend: The New Science of Self-Actualization, 2020

Misconception about 'Maslow’s Pyramid'

Modern-day presentations of Maslow’s theory often leave out this critical notion of an integrated hierarchy and instead focus on the stage-like pyramid—even though in his published writings Maslow never actually created a pyramid to represent his hierarchy of needs.
 
Todd Bridgman and his colleagues examined in detail how the pyramid came to be and concluded that “Maslow’s Pyramid” was actually created by a management consultant in the sixties. From there, it quickly became popular in the emerging field of organization behavior. Bridgman and his colleagues note that the pyramid resonated with the “prevailing [post-war] ideologies of individualism, nationalism and capitalism in America and justified a growing managerialism in bureaucratic (i.e., layered triangular) formats.”
 
Unfortunately, the continual reproduction of the pyramid in management textbooks had the unfortunate consequence of reducing Maslow’s rich and nuanced intellectual contributions to a parody and has betrayed the actual spirit of Maslow’s notion of self-actualization as realizing one’s creative potential for humanitarian ends. As Bridgman and his colleagues noted, “Inspiring the study of management and its relationship to creativity and the pursuit of the common good would be a much more empowering legacy to Maslow than a simplistic, 5-step, one-way pyramid.”
 

- Scott Barry Kaufman, Transcend: The New Science of Self-Actualization, 2020

Life is Sailing

The pyramid from the sixties told a story that Maslow never meant to tell; a story of achievement, of mastering level by level until you’ve “won” the game of life. But that is most definitely not the spirit of self-actualization that the humanistic psychologists emphasized. The human condition isn’t a competition; it’s an experience. Life isn’t a trek up a summit but a journey to travel through—a vast blue ocean, full of new opportunities for meaning and discovery but also danger and uncertainty. In this choppy surf, a clunky pyramid is of little use. Instead, what is needed is something a bit more functional. We’ll need a sailboat.
 
As we sail through the adventure of life, it’s rarely clear sailing. The boat itself protects us from seas that are rarely as calm as we’d like. Each plank of the boat offers security from the waves. Without it, we’d surely spend all our energy trying to stay above water. While even one plank is better than nothing, the bigger the boat, the more waves you can endure. Likewise in life, while safety is an essential foundation for feeling secure, adding on strong connections with others and feelings of respect and worthiness will further allow you to weather the storms.
Having a secure boat is not enough for real movement, however. You also need a sail. Without a sail, you might be protected from water, but you wouldn’t go anywhere. Each level of the sail allows you to capture more wind, helping you explore and adapt to your environment.
 
Note that you don’t “climb” a sailboat like you’d climb a mountain or a pyramid. Instead, you open your sail, just like you’d drop your defenses once you felt secure enough. This is an ongoing dynamic: you can be open and spontaneous one minute but can feel threatened enough to prepare for the storm by closing yourself to the world the next minute. The more you continually open yourself to the world, however, the further your boat will go and the more you can benefit from the people and opportunities around you. And if you’re truly fortunate, you can even enter ecstatic moments of peak experience—where you are really catching the wind. In these moments, not only have you temporarily forgotten your insecurities, but you are growing so much that you are helping to raise the tide for all the other sailboats simply by making your way through the ocean. In this way, the sailboat isn’t a pinnacle but a whole vehicle, helping us to explore the world and people around us, growing and transcending as we do.
 

- Scott Barry Kaufman, Transcend: The New Science of Self-Actualization, 2020